等待

有人可以告诉我应该如何走出迷惘吗？我好希望有个人可以在我身边陪伴我，告诉我该怎么办。为爱迷惘，为爱痛苦，值得吗？她说我等待多久，她也不会喜欢我，她说等待她是一种愚蠢。那么她又知道我可以为了她，我宁愿当个笨蛋，为了她愚蠢这一次，一直等待她么？有人说等待是浪费时间，毫无意义，但是也有人说是因为有希望才愿意等待，但是我想问问人生里有那些事值得我们去等待？很少吧？等待自己爱的人给自己一个肯定，有错吗？不管有无希望，这条路有多难走，我也愿意承受孤独和内伤，默默地等待下去，我不想放弃，因为我不知道这个人生还有多少能值得我去等待，至少我现在知道她是值得的，会让我丢失性命的人，至少我不后悔。说我疯了，是啊，我就是疯了。我就是因为那个女人疯了，疯得自己也忍受不了。那些想她的时刻，到底要怎么做她才知道想她的疼痛？是不是要写‘想你，真的很想你‘在石头上，然后丢向她，她才知道？是不是要我了结了生命她才懂得我的痛苦？等待到底是不是幸福呢？

我对你来说到底是什么呢?

一直以来，我们到底是什么关系呢？我好想问你这个问题好久了。 分手两年了，没有联络的我们，为什么你突然来找我呢？为什么要让我动摇，为什么要让我痛苦？ 在这两年的时间里我也差不多吧你的事情都忘了，但是现在为什么却要承受着无聊的痛呢？ 算了，都慢慢习惯了。 现在的我活得就像老人一般。无所事事的。一天没有你的日子我好难受。真的好想和你重新开始，好像尝试再去爱你。 但是不可能的吧，你爱的人不是我。明明很知道你还深深爱着他，但是我却克制不了想去见你的冲动。我到底该怎么办才好？ 欺骗着自己。我可以当你的人鱼，活在两个世界之间。当你需要我时，我随时都会赶到你身边；当你不需要我时，我可以像泡沫一样的消失在你眼前。 我这样的存在至少可以让我留在你的记忆当中吧..就算一点也没关系，就算你把我忘了也没关系。只要在你还活着的时候，让我带着假面具为你做些让你开心的事情吧。我多么的想告诉你我爱你，告诉你别再为他流泪，收起你的眼泪，让我来为你哭好不好？让我牵着你的手，抱着你写下我们的下一页好不好？ ''你告诉我，是否一切都无法挽回，是否一切都无法更改?'' 我好想问你这个问题，但是我们会不会比陌生人还要陌生?

Decided!

Well, everything already decided. I'm not going Ipoh this year, i'm going next year! Spm result coming out on 25th of march and now i'm so exciting. Scared i'll get 'lame' result =O. By the way, i'm going Petalling UTAR this May! And maybe i'll live there (kinda bored actually)! One year foundation, then i'll be moving to Ipoh for further study. What a long way to go! Then i'll miss every friends here. Awwww :( Why does time moves so fast :'( What can i do now eh in this 1 year and 2 months? Enjoying every moment with friends? Family? Go every place i wanted to go in Kuala Lumpur? Haiz, i wish i'm still studying in secondary school, no stress, have fun together with friends. I wish i can go back to form 3, start over again. I want to see all of my friends, spend every moment with all of them, but sadly we cannot go back to the past =( I hope i can change what i did wrong in the past, i miss all of you. Regret every night for doing all the silly mistakes in the past. And now i really miss You. I hope i can stay together with you again and now i'm begging for your forgiveness.

我离开后你会不会记得我曾经存在你心里?

现在已经是半夜3点了，我过多不久就要离开这里了。要去很远的地方了，可能去了那里就没有回来的机会。过了新年，我可能就要去ipoh大学读书了。我好舍不得，舍不得这里的朋友，家人，但是我最舍不得的还是你。我真的不想离开这里，我好想看着你对我微笑的脸。你还记得吗，上次你问我是不是要去kampar utar读书的时候？老实说我欺骗了你，我不想任何人知道，我好想一个人静静的离开。你读了我写的部落格后，不要生气好吗？^^还有一个小时的时间，我可以做什么呢？看着我家的风景吗？还是我还保存在我电脑里你的照片？虽然我们分开了2年，但是我还是很想你，我可以每天为你哭泣，每天在梦里看着你对我笑着的时候。我爱你好累，朋友们都叫我忘了你，寻找新的女友，但是我做不到，我真的好想你。我好想再次和你在一起，让一切从零重新开始，但是这些都是不可能的，我知道你不会再爱我。我知道无论我等待多久都无法再靠近你，就像傻瓜般在你的身边哭泣。明明知道只能带给你伤痛的我，为何还要傻傻的等待?有时候，我真的很痛恨我自己，有时候我真的好想死。我很想忘记所有的一切，尤其是在记忆中曾经那么疯狂的爱过你，我有时候尝试着用记忆寻找再也不用爱绑住你的回忆。明知道不能这样，明知道我只能在你的爱里呼吸。我这样爱着你就好像生不如死一样的折磨， 我真的好想接近在那遥远的你。在我的桌上，都是你给我的礼物，戒指，项链，你做给我的卡片，我好想都丢掉，我好舍不得，我每天都戴着你曾经戴过的项链，戴在我身上好温暖，好有安全感，就好像你时常在我的身边。我好爱你，但是我却无法对你说我爱你，我等你，等你再次爱我，我要爱你一世。如果一切还来得及，你可以永远陪在我身边，留在我心中吗？你有喜欢的人了，你要幸福知道吗？

I just want a little bit...

4/15/2010
Its been 1 year she left me. Her 17th birthday was yesterday. Just after i text her and wished her, i cried as hard as i can. I was thinking, ''Am i a weak person or i'm still missing her?'' I'm a 16 years old boy, and i still can't stand up for myself. I miss her. It was like a miracle, we met on the internet; she chat with me everyday, and i'm annoyed at the first place when she nudged me everytime in WLM. And then slowly, i miss her WLM nudge and her nonsense/ stupid stories. We sms-ing everyday. I started to miss her when having our PMR test, i called her everyday to ask her how's her exam. Just to hear her voice and her laughter. December, it was like magic, we are tied together and we promised not to leave anyone side till the end. And i'm in a hunger of her, i miss her and i cannot control my emotion i just want her to be by my side every second, every hour and every day. So i asked her to come over my place to play and give her a surprise, but she was going to her friend's house. I was so upset and mad at the same time, i slammed the door. And *poof*, we are tear apart. What i do everyday is just hurting myself. I wanted her to stay at my side every second, every second when she's not with me, i feel like i'm in danger, i'm in pain, i'll scare. I just wanted her to be with me and that's the reason i asked her to come over my house. Am i a stupid guy or i'm a guy who don't even know what is love? I just want her to be stay with me for a little bit longer. Just a little bit longer.
1/3/2011
I cannot sleep that night. I woke at in the midnight, 3am. I miss her and i know that day is the first day she going college for her first day. I stay awake until 6am just to remind her and ask her to jia yous in her first day. I thought my message can make her happy but what i thought is wrong. She don't even reply my message. MY heart is like broken in pieces, i can't even eat and sleep properly... But i don't really care about it, cause i'm not someone special to her, its normal by the way.
1/5/2011
Is it me or what, i saw her again today after got back from KL. She was just walking behind me to the bus stop. I don't have the braveness to look behind. I don't want to let her see my face. I was just about to cry that time. I quickly crossed the road and ask my friend to come with me also.. Maybe that's not her, maybe it was just me, think too much >< I looked at her for a moment and she swifted her eye away.. ARGH!! I MISS HER!! Although its already 2 years! What am i thinking? Always thinking something that is impossible! It's impossible we can be together again! And if she read this, maybe she'll get mad and start shouting at me again.. Just wanted to be with her.. HAIX!

Yo, I'm back

fisher! After the what what holiday, i went back to school. Then My hair kena cut! Fuck! My school discipline teacher, Mr. Zaki (Dog Face), think he's smart. Basket! Teach islam stuff then he think that he is 'Smart'. What a dumb ass. Btw, one of my school friend said, ' Now r, Malaysia r, government really smart one r, ask us chinese/ indian to pay them tax to construct our country better la, but our country never improve also one. Still look Lame and Useless', ' We pay them to feed PIGS leh!! '
[RESPONSES]
Benjamin, ' Huh?! Wtf?! '
Neo, ' ?! HAHAHA '
Chan, ' That's True '
Luffy, ' ...................... '
Kck, ' Mother earth guide me... '
Me, ' Basket, fish them la deii, we earn money so hard deii '

But my opinion la, some malays are good, some are really brainless. They think that they'r smart enough, act cool, 'berlagak' there. SHIT them la, basket. **Some malays are kind tho =) **
PS: I'm not assaulting malays*

By the way, fish deii. Exam next thursday, that's 22nd Oct. Bahasa Malaysia will be the first paper WE taking, kidda ''rocks''( cause i hate Bahasa Malaysia essay ). Then follow by HARI KOKO?! WTF!?!?!? WTH?! and WTF??! is that thing????? Hari KOKO in the middle of the exam week.. SMKJB~ kinda weird~ haha~
PS: If you think MY school, SMKJB is funny, please kindly give a vote. Highly appreciate~ I've make a poll. Thanks~ =} **


Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww,
I lost my spectacles, i'm kinda a smart ass. Suffered 1 week and i found my spectacles just inside the table drawer next to my table. Basket deii...